Under The Influence
by cocainencaviar
Summary: After experience major trauma in the army, Kakashi turns to alcohol to suppress the memories of the griefs he experienced on his last tour. Forced to attend AA meetings, there doesn't seem to be much hope for Kakashi until a companion from his past takes it upon himself to be Kakashi's saviour. (AU, Shounen-ai)
1. Chapter 1

Summary: After experience major trauma in the army, Kakashi turns to alcohol to suppress the memories of the griefs he experienced on his last tour. Forced to attend AA meetings, there doesn't seem to be much hope for Kakashi until a companion from his past takes it upon himself to be Kakashi's saviour. (AU, Shounen-ai)

A/N: So, it's 2013 and I've only just now decided to publish my first ever fan-fic. Timing was never my strong suit. Oh well, better late than never, right?... Looking forward to seeing what you all think though, I love this pair and hope I do them justice.

Disclaimer: Kishi owns... the fact that this is my first fic, 14 years after the first ever manga chapter kinda says it all.

Anyway, on with the show! 

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Kakashi sauntered down the brightly coloured corridor, appreciating the fact he only had one eye as the onslaught of oranges, yellows, purples and the rest of the rainbow flooded his one good eye, deepening his hangover. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to change the location of his Alcoholics Anonymous group to a primary school. The old library had been perfectly fine. Trying to remember what had prompted the change, Kakashi realised he had been severely intoxicated last week, remembering nothing of the meeting or the explanation for the move. His only consolation was that at 8pm there were no children in sight.

Finally reaching his destination, he turned the knob quickly forming an excuse in case he was asked why he was twenty minutes late. Although the yellow walls, plastered in posters and projects, looked cheerful enough, the room's aura was dark and heavy. Recognising most of the group, Kakashi sent an apologetic nod to the counselor leading the session. Giving an annoyed glance at the man, the woman continued as Kakashi slid into a seat on the back row. After fifteen minutes he exasperatedly ran a hand through his spiky silver hair, realising he had zoned out and had missed most of what had been said. These meetings were so boring and, from the whiff of sake on his breath, it was obvious they weren't working. But if his friends wanted him to continue to waste his time here, he would go just to get them off his back.

Kakashi let his eyes wander around the classroom, deciding it was better to take in his new surroundings rather than staring mindlessly at nothing. His eye stopped at an A4 sized photo in a wooden frame to the left of the counselor's head. Though he only had one eye, it did have 20/20 vision, so it wasn't hard to make out a group of around sixteen young children standing in front of a tanned man, in his twenties. Kakashi blinked and then blinked again. Leaning forward in his chair to get a better look, he analysed the teacher in the photograph. The man was a brunette whose shoulder length chocolate locks were tied in a simple ponytail that made the protruding strands stand on end. His thin lips were curved in a small polite smile but his brown eyes sparkled with a true happiness that Kakashi did not believe he could pull off even with two eyes. What made the silver-haired mans breath catch however, was the deep but aged scar that rested across the man's nose...

_Iruka_.

"Kakashi," the silver-haired man snapped out of his daze, tearing his eyes away from the photograph to look at the counselor who was standing in front of him with a concerned look. Scanning the room he realised that the meeting had come to an end while he had been in a nostalgic trance induced by the photograph of the familiar man. "Hey kid, you alright? You seemed pretty out of it today. Well, more out of it than usual. Anything you want to talk about?"

Kakashi looked back to the buxom older woman who was now taking the seat beside him. "No, I'm fine" he said as he made his move to leave. Feeling delicate fingers around his wrist Kakashi looked back to see a dangerous frown on the woman's face and slowly slid back into his seat.

"Look Kakashi, this is your sixth week coming to these sessions. You arrive late. You don't participate. You don't listen. Hell, you even come here smelling like alcohol." The woman placed her hand on the man's shoulder and gave a firm squeeze making sure he was listening. "You may not think you have a problem Kakashi, but you're not well. I saw it as soon as your friend Gai dragged you here that first day. I know..." The councillor's eyes wavered for the first time in the conversation, anxious about bringing up the sensitive subject. "I know what happened...while you were in the army..."

Kakashi paled and felt his heart stop. He had been forcing himself to repress the memories of his last mission as the youngest Lieutenant General of the Shinobi Rank of the Konoha Army; the mission where his command had led to the death of his two closest friends, Rin and Obito. "Kakashi listen, I understand what you're going through, believe me I do, but drowning your sorrows down the bottle is only going to make things worse. The friends you lost would be hurt to know their deaths have turned you into this".

"Shut the fuck up!" The silver haired man violently ragged his shoulder away from the counselor, bolting up. "You don't understand at all. You know nothing about what happened. You know nothing about Rin and Obito!" Kakashi panted, trying to catch his breath, feeling as though the air had been knocked out him the second he let his friend's names roll off his tongue for the first time since he last saw them alive.

"I'm sorry...I crossed the line. But you do have a problem," whispered the woman, standing up to place her hand back on the shoulder of the tall, lean man whose chin was now resting on his heaving chest, eye on the ground. "Look, come along next week. I won't make you participate or anything but if you come next week and you decide that you don't have a problem and don't need any help, I'll tell Gai that you no longer need to attend these meetings and you'll be free."

Kakashi gave a curt nod, turned and strode to his car in half the time it had taken him to arrive at the class door. Letting out a deep breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, he slumped into the driver's seat of his black Land Rover Evoque, his head falling back on the head rest. The man continued to heave in slow laboured breaths, but his constricted lungs didn't seem to be able to take in enough oxygen for his mind to stop spinning. Remembering he had a case of sake at home that he hadn't opened yet, Kakashi sped off home.

An hour later Kakashi was passed out on the sofa, several bottles of sake surrounding him, all thoughts of that night; the memories of Rin and Obito and the beautiful face from his past, now safely buried under the heavy fog of his alcoholism.

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A/N: So... how'd I do? Really hope someone deems this worthy of reading on! Next chapter: Kakashi and Iruka come face to face and we take a peek at their shared past. See you then :)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Can't believe people are actually following my story! My excitement at this coupled with my insomnia is what has me uploading this second chapter at 6am. Hope you enjoy :D

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"You have to Iruka!" The blonde woman insisted, slamming both palms on the teacher's desk she stood in front of, making the brunette sat behind it cower at the hint of aggression in the woman's voice. "I don't know what it is and you might not even know the guy, but there was something in the way he was looking at photo of you. I might be wrong and it might not even be because of you specifically, but for first time in six weeks there was something in his eye that wasn't the heartbreaking apathy I usually see." releasing fists she hadn't realised she'd formed, Tsunade smoothed the edges of her voice and continued. "Just come to the next meeting and we'll see how it goes, okay".

The young brunette breathed out as the palm of his hand ran down his face, regretting letting his aunt use his classroom for these meetings while the old library was being renovated. "I'm sorry Aunt Tsunade. I would help but I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of you dangling me like bait to some dangerous alcoholic".

Grinding her teeth, Tsunade glared at Iruka, her breathing laboured and her voice now dangerously low. "He is not some dangerous alcoholic. He's a good guy who became just another victim of the misery that manifests when you lose someone in that army." At the mention of the word 'army' Iruka straightened up, guilt drowning his senses as he realised why his aunt was so passionate about helping this man. Remembering the dark days in which his aunt had been sinking under the spell of alcohol and gambling after her husband Dan had died on duty, Iruka decided he would help out in any way he could.

Kakashi walked up to the school, excited to get this meeting over and done with so he would never have to come back again. He had been stumbling slightly and decided the twenty-minute walk would help him sober up before the meeting and he didn't need another strike on his licence even if he knew, from experience, he could drive perfectly well while tipsy. Hands tucked into the pockets of his black sweats, Kakashi cursed to himself as he shuffled through the corridor realising he was only ten minutes late. He thought about hanging back for a while, but remembered that ten extra minutes breathing the suffocating air of depression around him wouldn't be so bad knowing it was his last meeting.

Turning the knob on the door and ready to give the usual apologetic nod, Kakashi stopped dead in his tracks as he saw a chocolate haired man stood to the left of his counselor. All the nostalgia he'd forgotten from the previous week slammed back into him making him stumble into the door frame beside him, catching the room's attention. However, the silver-haired man saw no one but "...Ruka". His voice was hoarse and jagged as it left his mouth, having barely used it since the last time he was in this room.

"Ka-Kakashi? What the fuck?" the brunette whispered, his eyes wide and his head shaking. Seeing the tears well up behind the eyes of the younger man, Kakashi looked down at himself, wondering what had him so startled. The man began to tremble as he processed what he saw, really looking for the first time, at what he had become. The black sweatpants he'd carelessly thrown on that evening were greying with age, deep unidentified stains gracing the garment. His once white t-shirt now took on the hue of a dirty eggshell and creases ran deep across his chest and arms. For the first time he could feel the prickle of a silver stubble he hadn't allowed on to the surface of skin since it had started to grow when he was seventeen. Horrified at allowing the beautiful young man from his past to see him in such a disgraceful state, he bolted out of the door not stopping until he was half way down the corridor. The dizziness from the alcohol still in his system forced him to stop and rest his head back against a locker, eye closed, chest heaving.

Iruka was rooted to his spot, agape and staring at the spot where the man from his past had stood. _'What the hell happened to him? That is not the Kakashi I know. That was not the Kakashi I admired and respected for six years. No way.'  
_  
Iruka let his mind wander into the past as he continued to stare into the empty spot in front of the door, feet still rooted next to his aunt.

Iruka had been eight when his parents had passed away in the car accident that gave him his signature scar, which stretched across the bridge of his nose just past his nostrils. The glass of the window on the backseat passenger door had shattered from the impact of the car that had crossed the red traffic light, but it was his parents that had suffered the most fatal injuries at the hands of a drunk driver too reckless to realise he was just about to ruin a young family.

After months of acting out in school, Tsunade, his aunt and now his guardian, decided to enrol her nephew into a karate class, hoping it would be the perfect outlet for him to release the anger he felt at having his parents stolen by an irresponsible drunkard.

He met Kakashi on his very first day. Already the twelve-year-old stood out; his hair spiky and catching the light in its silver locks. The boy was sat cross-legged next to the sensei in his crisp white karate uniform, black belt tied tight across his waist, facing the other students, many of whom were older than him. It was obvious the kid was special. Iruka skulked at the back of the class, intimidated to see that he was the only one in the class of thirty with a white belt. _'Great, I look like such an idiot, especially compared to that kid with grey hair.'_ Iruka switched off, deciding he was going to tell Tsunade that this wasn't for him. It wasn't until everyone in the group started to get up and walk in different directions in the training hall that he realised he's missed out on some instruction. Looking around in a panic he couldn't tell which group he belonged to, seeing kids of his age in all the groups but no one else with a white belt.

"You weren't listening were you," Iruka spun round to see an annoyed look in the deep black of orbs of the silver-haired kid, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I...um...I...I'm sorry" Iruka stuttered, eyes blinking, taking an unsteady step back, feeling utterly inferior to the taller boy.

Kakashi let out a small sigh and uncrossed his arms and lightened his brow realising he must be an intimidating sight to the newcomer. "My name's Kakashi. It's mid-season so you're the only beginner. I'm in training to be an instructor so Sarutobi-sensei wants me to teach you the basics. If I can get you on the yellow belt in three months he's going to let me teach the yellow and orange belts as well"

Stepping forward into his previous spot, the smaller boy's eyes grew wide as he blew the air out of his mouth behind his lips making them vibrate with a short warble. "Three months? How the heck will we manage that? We only have an hour a week!" Iruka let his hands, which had been raised to express the impossibility of the situation, drop to his hips as he shook his head, forgetting his initial fear of the boy.

Chuckling at the quick change in the boy's demeanour, Kakashi offered the boy a reassuring smile. "I moved up to my yellow belt after a month. As long as you practice and do as I say we'll get you that belt before the three months is up. I promise." The black belt laid his hand on his first student's shoulder his warm smile reaching his eyes, immediately calming the worried boy until he returned the smile.

"Thanks Kakashi...umm sensei. My names Iruka by the way," the brunette stated giving the taller boy a winning grin before the two got to work.

True to his word Kakashi had taught Iruka well enough for him to become a yellow belt three weeks before the three month deadline. The eight year old practised every day after school, determined to do his sensei, and his friend, proud. Even after Iruka became one of many students Kakashi taught, it was obvious the young sensei favoured the brunette, pushing him harder and praising him louder than the others. The extra hour of private mentoring intended to help them reach the three month deadline never ended, even when Iruka began to climb in levels.

Iruka looked down at the freshly tied electric blue belt around his waist. It had been his goal to achieve this level by Kakashi's eighteenth birthday and he was ecstatic knowing his sensei's pride in his achievement would be a gift in itself. Looking back at the boy he'd spent the best past of six years following, he grinned a grin full of respect and admiration watching as Kakashi bested Sarutobi-sensei in a sparring match.

Kakashi wasn't just Iruka's teacher. When Iruka needed somewhere to vent his frustrations on the anniversaries of his parents' death, Kakashi bore the brunt of his frenzied sparring. When he needed a shoulder to cry on afterwards, Kakashi provided it. When Tsunade's husband had died and Iruka had found himself with an alcoholic guardian, it was Kakashi who he expressed his worries to. It may have only been an hour a week but that time spent together became more than just a karate class; it became a counselling session and a place of enlightenment as Iruka came of age.

No, Kakashi wasn't just Iruka's teacher. He was a friend, a confidant, a companion. Kakashi was Iruka's rock.

No, Kakashi had been Iruka's rock, what had stood before him in that classroom that day, was an empty shell. 

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A/N: Oooooh what did you think? Next chapter: Confrontation!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Here's the next installment! Had planned to have the confrontation in this chapter, but the flashback took on a life of its own. Hope your still enjoying it, I know where this story's going and I feel like these three chapters were really just intro. The juiciness really begins after this. I think so anyway... Please enjoy :)

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No matter how hard Kakashi tried to force his feet into action, his knees seemed to have another idea, buckling under his weight, forcing him to slide down the locker till his legs lay flat in front of him on the cold linoleum floor. _'Iruka. That was Iruka and he saw me. Like this. And I'm so pathetic I don't even have the strength to get up and leave. What must he think of me now?'_ While waiting for his brain to regain control of his body, Kakashi's memories started to drift back to the last time he's seen the brunette.

Seeing the electric blue sash around the fourteen-year olds waist had been such a bittersweet moment for Kakashi. He knew how hard Iruka had been working to meet this deadline for him, and knowing he'd achieved his goal filled him with such a warmth that he had to hold back the grin that threatened to escape every time his student came into his line of vision, only managing to bring it down to a lop-sided smile. But each time he did, he quickly remembered what this day really meant and his gut lurched, an unsettling feeling rising in his chest at the prospect of having to tell the younger boy that this was goodbye.

As the hour came to an end, the rest of the class dispersed as Iruka bounded up to Kakashi, excited to begin their usual one-on-one session. "Happy Birthday Kakashi!" the younger boy exclaimed, his grin so wide that the edges of his scar tipped upwards, as he pulled the taller boy into a quick hug. It took all of Kakashi's control not to chase after his retreating arms, wanting to savour what he knew he may never get again.

"Thanks," was all Kakashi could muster, as he tried to quash the dread that was mounting in his stomach at knowing he'd have to tell him sooner than later.

Iruka had noticed Kakashi was acting a little more stoic than usual so decided that his after-training surprise would be best served at this moment. "Wait here K," with that he bounded off to the lockers, leaving Kakashi, too lost in his thoughts to question him. Returning with a black plastic bag, Iruka sheepishly handed it to his companion, the heat rising slightly on his tanned cheeks as he received questioning glances from Kakashi, who was looking between him and the bag with narrowed eyes. "It's not much...I just, you know, saw it and thought of you, and your birthday was coming up so I figured why not, and I know we don't usually do gifts, but, you know, 18 is the big one, right? So...yeah." By the end of this rant Iruka's tanned cheeks were a pleasant shade of carmine and he was fidgeting on the spot, nervously awaiting his friend's verdict on the gift.

Kakashi couldn't help but smile at how anxious his friend sounded as he rambled on, giving excuses as to why he'd got the gift. He didn't need to see it to know he'd cherish and preserve it as a reminder of the boy once he'd left. Opening the bag he pulled out a palm-sized miniature scarecrow. It wore dark denim overalls with patchwork of the same fabric as the blue and red check shirt underneath. It wore a brown brimmed hat, like most, but it was the straw used to make up the feet, arms and face of the scarecrow, that made it special. Unlike others, the straw used to make it was not golden-yellow, but a very fair cream, almost white, not too dissimilar from his own pale skin. Laying it gently on his right palm, Kakashi lightly ghosted his left index finger over the tiny buttons on the shirt, around the minute stitches of the patchwork on the knees, realising this could be his most precious possession to date.

Confused by the unreadable look on his friend's face, Iruka panicked thinking he'd got it wrong. _He must think it's weird that I got him something. What kind of student gives their teacher such a personal gift? _"Look it's no big deal, I can totally take it back if you don't want it, it was just a spur of the moment purchase, you know, it's fine, here..." Iruka went to take back the mini-scarecrow when Kakashi tightened his grip on his birthday present, capturing a few of Iruka's fingers that had reached to remove it.

"No... "Kakashi murmured, making no move to loosen his grip but looking at Iruka with such intensity, as so many emotions swirled in his black orbs; none of which Iruka could decipher. "I love it,"

They remained like this for a few lingering moments but Iruka, completely overwhelmed and bewildered by the sudden seriousness of the situation, eased his fingers out his friends grip and awkwardly scratched at his scar, looking anywhere but those eyes that were saying so much to him but in a language he didn't understand.

"We should probably get going. Just 'cause it's your birthday doesn't mean you get out of teaching me stuff. I'm not gonna get a black belt standing around, you know." Iruka tried to laugh but the atmosphere was still too heavy, so he just sighed, moving to the supply closet to get the equipment needed. A bit of training or maybe some sparring would dispel whatever this was, he figured.

Before he could get more than four strides away, Kakashi spoke up. "No. Not today...Can we chat?"

Iruka knew. He just knew that whatever he was going to say would be nothing less than devastating. In the entire six years they'd spent together, it was always he who asked Kakashi 'can we chat?' anytime he had needed help, or advice, or guidance, or comfort, and each of those times Kakashi would provide what was needed and then some.

On the anniversaries of his mum's death a few days after his birth date, Kakashi never sought Iruka for a chat. On the anniversaries of his father's suicide he didn't seek Iruka's comfort either. Upon hearing from Sarutobi-sensei the reason Kakashi was always a little more distant at those times in the year, Iruka had thought he was just afraid to ask; afraid to look weak. However even when he initiated conversations on those subject or tried to coax the boy into talking about himself, he was met with the usual passive attitude and it was obvious he could handle whatever came his way. Any trials and tribulations he faced, he faced alone.

If he needed to chat with Iruka, it was almost certainly going to be something involving him. It was the sombre look on Kakashi face; the one the doctor pulls when the results aren't good, or the police man when he has bad news, which had Iruka emitting panicked breaths, a sudden fight or flight instinct washing over him.

Kakashi's gaze pinned him where he was though, making his heart beat so hard that it resonated in his ears, the opposite to when you stand too close to a speaker and you can feel the bass in your chest. He was concentrating too hard on trying to calm his palpitations that he almost missed the hushed words that left his sensei's mouth. "I'm leaving".

Iruka blinked, his brow furrowed, trying to process those two words. In the back of his mind he knew what it meant but the stubborn part refused to acknowledge it. "Hey, it's no big deal; Sarutobi-sensei can train me until you get back, and obviously it'll slow down my progress but, you know I'll keep practising, it'll be fine and, I'll kinda miss the chats, but I can survive until you get back. I'm not completely dependent on you, you know." Iruka stopped only because he ran out of breath and his mind was rattling through more reassurances he was going to give Kakashi once he caught his breath. "And when you're back we'll-"

"Stop." Kakashi held on to the shorter boys shoulders but couldn't meet his eyes, so he kept his head down and made a conscious effort to steady his breathing for a sentence he was sure was going to break his friend's heart. He wasn't oblivious to the fact that he was one of the most important people in the fourteen year old's life. He had tried to keep their relationship strictly student-teacher, but over the six years he had found himself looking forward to their Wednesday evening one-on-ones. Iruka had been a temperamental kid when they'd first met; when he was still frustrated with his new-found orphan-hood and his temper was easy to flare. Kakashi could relate. He wanted to help the boy; give him something he could put his mind to, somewhere to vent that frustration so as not to bottle it up and become passive and impermeable to emotion like he was. For years he tried to convince himself that that's all it was. But as he readied himself for what he was about to say, he became aware that this may break him as much as it would Iruka.

"I'm leaving and... I'm not coming back".

Two hearts did broke that day.

"Iruka!" Tsunade shook her nephew slightly. "Come on you can't just stand there with a slack jaw, I brought you here to help this guy out, not scare him off. Go after him!" Iruka felt his feet slide closer to the door as he was forcibly pushed out of his dream-like state to find himself in the corridor.

The corridor was silent, with the exception of Iruka's unsteady breaths. His feet itched to move; to go set this whole mess right, to just confirm that it was not his childhood hero he saw looking like such a disgrace. But he knew. He would never have forgotten Kakashi. Iruka clamped his eyes tight and lifted his fingers to massage at his temples, in an effort to budge the image of the new Kakashi out of his memory, but it seemed to have burned itself into his retinas.

_What do I do? What do I do?! _His efforts to calm down were utterly unsuccessful and he scrunched up his sweater in a fist at his chest, loud ragged breaths indicating the start of a panic attack. Iruka scrunched his eyes, clenched and unclenched his fingers repeatedly and counted down to zero from twenty slowly – a trick he had been taught when he was eight...by Kakashi.

It was then a sudden calm rushed over Iruka as he realised what he needed to do.

_'For six years Kakashi was there for me. Always. The one time he genuinely needs help and I'm here panicking as if I'm the one who needs comfort. Not this time. I'm gonna help that stubborn bastard whether he wants my help or not'._

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__A/N: So, what do you think guys. Please review, I would love to hear your opinions :)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hello again. This chapter took longer than I wanted it to, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Also, I seriously love reading your reviews. The feedback seems positive and it honestly makes my day! I was deffo worried, what with this being my first fic and all, but I guess I'm not doing too bad! Anyhoooow, on with the show. Enjoy :D 

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Kakashi's world stopped spinning as violently as it had been before. Although he couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that Iruka hadn't run after him, he was mostly relieved that he could now leave this place and never return. As far as he was concerned, his deal with Tsunade still stood; he came to today's meeting and he didn't think he needed anymore help. Iruka's appearance had thrown him off kilter, but drawing on his twenty seven years of passivity and aloofness, he quashed any unwarranted emotions that had been bubbling since he'd seen him.

Scrambling to his feet, clawing at the locker doors and slowing his sways to a less noticeable wobble, Kakashi trained his grimace into a cool expression and continued down the corridor.

Iruka paced, looking for Kakashi. Just as he reached the end of the corridor and approached the glass doors, he caught a glimpse of that distinguishable silver crop in the car park.

"Kakashi! Kakashi, wait!" Kakashi tried to pick up his pace, but he was already concentrating too hard on trying to walk relatively straight without the added difficulty of increasing pace. Iruka caught up to him with ease. '_I should have known he would come after me'. _Sighing, he turned around to face the younger man.

Time seemed to freeze again as they stood, unblinking; deep brown eyes trying to keep the tears at bay, cold black eye trying to focus on one of the two swaying Iruka's.

"So, it really is you," Iruka sniffed.

"Maa, Iruka, have I changed that much," Kakashi mused, expertly expressing nonchalance, despite the pounding in his head, and the twisting in his gut. He wasn't sure whether the latter was caused by seeing Iruka again, or whether he was about to throw up. Both were plausible.

Even if Kakashi was his usual, alert, black-belt self, he wouldn't have been able to predict or counter Iruka's next move. He didn't see it coming, but he heard the resounding smack and felt the prickling against his cheek. Righting his face from where the slap had moved it to, he looked back to Iruka ready to shout a 'what the fuck', but one look at the younger man silenced him completely.

Iruka's shoulders were completely hunched over and his head hung low, but Kakashi could see the glistening wetness down his face. They stood like that for what seemed like an endless moment, the only disruptions being the periodic hiccups Iruka let slip from the his virtually silent sobs.

"I've been waiting nine years to do that," Iruka whispered after a shaky sigh. "You...you just went. No word, or letter or call or anything. Did you even care? Were you affected at all by leaving; leaving Konoha, leaving the class...leaving me?" It was only then that he raised his head and looked at his old sensei dead in the eye, and everything he'd been waiting to say since he was fourteen was stilled by what he saw. He was hoping to see a bit of guilt but was expecting to see the usual indifference. What he was not expecting was anger.

Kakashi's hands were fisted and his brow furrowed deep. His lips were held in a thin taught line but the throb at his temple said that his teeth were grinding. If it not for the moistness covering the eyelashes of the one eye that was closed and had a pale scar running down it, Iruka would have been sure he was in for a beat down.

"Of course I cared. Of course I was affected," he croaked through clenched teeth.

"Then why? Why did you just leave like that? You didn't even say goodbye!"

"I...I couldn't".

He'd figured it was for the best. Long goodbyes would only make the whole situation unnecessarily emotional. Unnecessary emotions were what he'd been trying to avoid for the major part of his eighteen years. Where he was going, unnecessary emotions could get you killed, so that day, like all others, he hid them all behind his mask of indifference.

He'd figured it was the best for Iruka too. He knew only too well how emotions ruled the boy. If he stuck around there would be tears, he wouldn't have been able to leave him in tears, so tears would lead to comforting and that would only prolong and intensify the inevitable.

"I'm leaving and...I'm not coming back." He waited for the words to sink in, watching as Iruka blinked rapidly, trying to absorb the information. He didn't say anymore. Nothing more needed to be said. Once he saw the disbelief and confusion pass from Iruka's eyes, slowly drowned by tears of realisation, he removed his hands from his student's shoulders and moved swiftly to the exit.

It all happened too quickly for the stunned Iruka who was still trying to take everything in. It seemed as though one minute he was giving his sensei a birthday a gift the next he was looking at his back in the doorway, scarecrow in hand.

The situation struck him like a bolt of lightning and he scrunched up his karate gi in a fist at his chest, loud ragged breaths indicating the start of a panic attack.

"K-Kashi...you...you can't!" He panted through those panicked breaths, bile rising in his throat at the prospect of losing the closest person in his life after his parents. "D-don't leave...don't leave me. Please".

Kakashi's nails were biting hard enough into his fisted palms to draw blood, but there was nowhere to direct his anger towards. This was no one's fault but his own. _'I knew this was my path all along and I still allowed him to get too close...Soldiers don't cry. Soldiers do not cry'._ Kakashi continued this mental mantra until his eyes obeyed and he was sure he could speak without his voice cracking or a sob escaping.

"I'm sorry Iruka". With those three stern words he exited the hall not looking back, leaving behind a devastated student to fall to his knees and mourn.

"What?" Iruka's tears had long since dried, now he was just getting more and more pissed off at his sensei's sorry excuses, which was easy enough given his even sorrier appearance. "You couldn't say goodbye? You just dropped everything and left. One second everything's fine as usual, then you just disappeared out of my life, like it was nothing...like I was nothing". The last part was murmured but Kakashi heard it.

"It wasn't like that. It's just...that was my path from the beginning". Kakashi exhaled loudly, turning his head away from Iruka and towards the main road that would take him home. _'I need a fucking drink'._

He knew it hadn't been fair the way he had left. But there had never been a right time to explain - to explain his legacy, his commitments, his destiny. How do you tell your student that you're a genius who, practically since birth had been nurtured with a soldiers mentality? His father had been such a respected and renowned Lieutenant, legendary even, and it was clear that Kakashi, from a shockingly young age, was a prodigy. He not only possessed incredible physical prowess, but also had a tactician's intellect, sharp enough to put Captains and Majors to shame.

His father's suicide had shaken his eleven-year-old world to its very core. He couldn't deny his path; his training under his father's guidance had assured that he had no childhood; nothing to fall back on but strategy and combat. He was never an extrovert, but after that tragedy he closed off completely. It was his father's last mission that had dragged him into severe depression. He had chosen to save comrades rather than complete the mission, putting great strain on the Army as a whole. He was ostracised; loathed for what his failure had cost the Army. Kakashi heard over and over again how his father's emotions and feelings had led to his failure - unnecessary emotions that clouded his judgement. It was then that the young prodigy swore off them, determined to follow the guidelines to the letter. All emotions were wiped and he chose instead to wear a permanent mask of apathy and detachment.

Then Iruka came along. The boy was the epitome of feeling; never afraid to express and act upon his sentiments. Kakashi had only been training and teaching at the class to hone his combat and leadership skills until he could officially join the Konoha Army at the age of eighteen. His birthday was eagerly awaited by the higher-ups who knew of his talents and had sponsored his continued growth. His position was waiting for him; his path was set. Iruka was merely a speed bump. Or so he tried to tell himself.

No matter what happened he couldn't let that scarecrow go. As a soldier he had to live with modest possessions, but it was always among them. It irked him that with everything and everyone else he came across, he managed to maintain the expert detachment he'd perfected since he was eleven; everything but that damn scarecrow.

All these memories filtered back in Kakashi's mind's eye as he stood there in front of an expectant Iruka who was still waiting for an explanation. Nine years. It had been nine years and he'd still hung on to that gift. Looking back at the person who had held a place in his heart and his mind since he was twelve, the floodgates that had been keeping his emotions in check, threatened to collapse, and the patchwork job that the alcohol had been doing was steadily peeling away. '_Damn Obito for removing the permanent lock I had on these damn emotions'. _Kakashi fisted his lifeless silver locks and grimaced at the memory of his fallen comrade. '_I really need a fucking drink'. _

"Look, can we talk about this some other time; I just want to go home." Kakashi's voice was back to a croak and he was edging away from Iruka, ever so slightly.

Iruka had been watching him very carefully. He'd chosen not to say anything; Kakashi had seemed to be going through some internal battle if the slight grimaces and scowls had been any indication. Iruka felt like he was looking at a stranger. He'd never seen Kakashi look so affected; so feeling. Even though they were only whispers of emotions, it was more than he had seen in the six years as his student. He had had nine years to imagine how this reunion would go and this was far from any scenario he'd ever played out.

The taller man turned to head home when fingers wrapped around his wrist, stopping him going any further.

"Where do you live?" The question threw Kakashi off-balance. He's been expecting more questions about the past and his departure. He turned and managed to elegantly raise an eyebrow at Iruka.

"Why?"

"I'm coming to see you tomorrow. I'd come right now but I need some time to get my head together and I'm pretty sure you do too." Iruka said this so matter-of-factly that both of Kakashi's eyebrows inched to his hairline.

"I'm not sure if that's a good-"

"I'm not taking no for an answer Kakashi! I didn't chase you out here to slap you and bring up something that happened years ago. So you left on bad terms? That doesn't mean you're not important to me. I still care about you... a lot."

The floodgates on those emotions were seriously straining now. If he didn't leave now, Kakashi was sure they would overflow, taking him and Iruka out if them. He remained silent. He didn't want the man in his apartment. Certainly not in the state it was in at the moment. He didn't need anyone poking into his business and reprimanding him for his behaviour. He was fine, but he knew Iruka wouldn't see it that way.

"Please Kakashi. I...I just want to help".

_'And there it is. Why does everyone assume I need their damn help? I won't be anyone's charity case.'_

"Maa, Iruka, you know how messy I've always been. I couldn't possibly let you see the pig-sty I live in. Here take my number, we'll meet up instead".

Kakashi's smile was painfully fake as he gave Iruka his digits and the younger man knew it. As soon as he'd said the word 'help' he'd seen Kakashi's close off; all the feelings that were threatening to escape behind that eye retreated.

_'I should have known. This is the emotionally-stunted Kakashi I'm dealing with. No matter how much he's changed he still won't accept help from anyone. All the trials and tribulations he's faced, he faced alone. Obviously he thinks he can do the same this time. Idiot. He's getting my help whether he wants it or not.'_

"I'll call you tomorrow Kakashi."

The sensei and the student parted. One went home to mercilessly patch up his emotional floodgates with a bottle of whiskey, the other went home to strategise. 

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A/N: Well, there we have it, for now. Next chapters already underway so that should be up relatively soon. Oh, by the way, a karate gi is the proper name for a karate uniform. Also, I know Kakashi's dad died when he was like 6 but that would have been too young to work in this story.

See you guys in the next chapter! Please review! :)


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This chapter took me absolutely ageeeees. Hope you enjoy :) 

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Iruka didn't sleep that night. When he arrived home from the AA meeting, after tactfully dodging Tsunade, he sat down at the desk in his study, pushed aside his lesson plans for the following week and turned on his laptop. If he was going to seriously help Kakashi he needed a plan. As he always told his kids, failing to prepare is preparing to fail, and Iruka was no hypocrite.

But, how exactly do you prepare to save your ex karate sensei (who also happened to be your hero and most important person for six years, and who you still care about despite him disappearing from your life for nine years without so much as a goodbye) from grief induced alcoholism?

Iruka had no clue, but figured Googling alcoholism would be a good place to start. He wasn't exactly a novice to this situation. He'd been here nearly a decade and a half ago with his aunt Tsunade. Back then, the whole chapter had overwhelmed him so completely that he was so busy breaking down himself he didn't and couldn't provide any sort of help when his aunt needed him most. In fact, he himself had sought help from Kakashi as if he'd been the one suffering. Granted he'd been twelve, but to this day he felt guilty for not having been able to do more in those gruelling times. He was determined not to let another loved one face the same fate.

Iruka reigned in his thoughts, clicked onto the Wikipedia link for alcoholism and got his research underway. He read for a while until he found a hyperlink that caught his attention. He opened it in a new tab, trying to understand as much of the situation as he could.

_'Alcohol tolerance? Hmm, okay. I can see Kakashi becoming tolerant to alcohol. He could always handle way more of anything than anyone else could; either what was thrown at him in karate or just life in general. "When a subject's reaction to a specific drug and concentration of the drug is progressively reduced, an increase in concentration is required to achieve the desired effect". Yeah seems plausible.'_

_ 'Physical and emotional dependence? Not a fucking chance. Kakashi never needed anyone or anything. If there's one thing I remember about him it's his complete and utter independence. He needed no shoulder to cry on for anything ever. His shoulders were strong enough to carry the weight of his own issues and most of mine too. No way he's dependent on drinking. No way.'_

_'Detoxification? Withdrawal syndrome? What? These are actual issues? Yeah I know alcohol is technically a drug, but I didn't think you could actually get withdrawal symptoms. Guess cold turkey isn't the way to go. Fuck. I know less about this than I thought. How exactly should I go about helping if taking all the alcohol away could cause this withdrawal syndrome?' _

_'Group therapy? Psychotherapy?' _Iruka laughed out loud after skipping to the management and treatments section of the Wiki page and seeing these suggested approaches. _'The day Kakashi attends a group therapy session and talks about his problems to a bunch of strangers or a psychotherapist isn't the day pigs fly. That day will have arrived long before Kakashi opens up and shares his emotions with others. As a paragon of strength and autonomy it would be so contrary to everything he is, everything he stands for, to not only show, but broadcast his weaknesses. So...no therapy sessions. Moving swiftly on.'_

Each paragraph he read had hyperlinks that led to more information, which provided hyperlinks to more information. It was an endless cycle and seventeen tabs later, Iruka realised he was in over his head

As 3AM approached, he sat back and analysed the comments he's accumulated over the hours of internet surfing. What was supposed to be a serious set of notes, aimed towards devising a strategy for helping Kakashi, sounded more like the ramblings of a teenage girl obsessed with how strong and brave her crush is. Fighting down a blush that was threatening to pepper his tanned cheeks, he thought more about Kakashi; as he used to be and as he was now. Nine years. It had been nine years. He had to stop thinking of Kakashi as the beacon of strength who had seen him through his childhood. Who's to say that person even existed anymore. A lot can change in nine years. A lot probably had.

Iruka was completely disheartened. He wasn't entirely sure whether it was because he'd wasted nearly five hours on research he couldn't use or because he realised it was going to take much more time and work to get Kakashi better. It was probably neither. It was probably the thought that Kakashi may have changed beyond return; that the icon he'd been waiting nine years to return to his life may never be coming back.

The teacher pondered this thought as he fisted his hands in his hair, elbows rested before his keyboard. The longer he contemplated the situation, the more confused he became. _'Imagine how Kakashi must be feeling though'_.

Lifting his guilt-ridden body off the desk chair, Iruka dragged his feet to his bedroom, dropping on his bed and entering a slumber regularly interrupted by tempestuous thoughts.

Kakashi lifted his eyelid and his head throbbed at the effort. It took him a few minutes to get accustomed to his surroundings. He pushed passed the aching behind his eyes and moved his eyeball slightly to the left, till his toilet seat came into view. _'Oh, right'._

Straightening his aching limbs he stood facing his toilet, one hand massaging at his pounding temple, the other steadying himself against the back wall. He waited till his dizzying lessened, flushed the remains of the bottle of whiskey he'd downed after he came back from the AA meeting and lumbered to his bed.

The man stared at his ceiling. Sleep was the last thing from his mind at that moment. Everything that had happened the evening before trickled back. He'd tortured himself enough on the walk home and through the first quarter of the whiskey bottle but, like they always did, his thoughts sneaked their way back to the forefront, unrelenting in their determination to be processed.

Only sleep and alcohol could clear his head completely. After staring at the ceiling for twenty-five minutes he realised it wasn't going to be the former. Rolling over to retrieve the bourbon bottle underneath his bed, he took four gulps of the nightcap, before rolling back and staring at the ceiling till it phased out into darkness.

The vibration of his mobile phone rattled on his mahogany bedside table, waking Kakashi with a start. It was late afternoon; entirely too early for the man. Leaning over he grabbed the phone and squinted his eyes against the offending brightness of the screen to see who had interrupted his peace. _I swear if this is Gai. _But Kakashi didn't recognise the number. Furrowing his brow he waited for the call to ring out and then waited a little longer for a voicemail, but none came. Scowling at the device he threw it on the other side of the bed, buried his head under the duvet and tried his hardest to get back to sleep. Forty minutes passed before his phone vibrated again. Only two vibrations this time; a text.

Kakashi left it for five minutes, desperately trying to fade his consciousness once more. Giving up, he threw off the duvet, grabbed his phone and opened the message.

**Kakashi-sensei, it's Iruka. Do I still call you sensei? I guess not. I know you never saved my number so I'm guessing that's why you didn't answer my call. I did say I'd call today though so you should have been expecting it. Anyway, I want to see you today. We have a lot to catch up on. It wasn't exactly a joyous reunion. That was probably my fault. I was glad to see you again, though. Really glad. Call me back, or just text me when and where x**

Re-reading the text for the third time, Kakashi again lingered on the kiss at the end. '_I can't deal with this right now'. _Rolling over to retrieve his trusty under-bed bourbon he took his usual four gulps then another two to induce an even speedier slumber. As he stared at the ceiling waiting for the elixir to work its magic he analysed Iruka's words for the umpteenth time. He remembered how his stomach had fluttered at being called sensei again. How he had snorted an almost laugh at Iruka's questioning of the honorific. How his lip had twitched slightly upward knowing Iruka had been 'really' glad to see him. The way the fluttering in his stomach had increased with a vengeance at Iruka's closing kiss.

_'For fuck's sake.' _Reaching again for his bourbon he took another two hefty gulps drowning all those uncapped thoughts under a haze.

Iruka lay in bed that night, phone in his hand just in case Kakashi was a night owl and wanted to meet in the evening. He knew the chances of this were practically zero. Even when he sent the text he was 80% sure they wouldn't see each other that day. He was expecting a reply though. At least a half-arsed excuse like the one he gave to stop Iruka coming to his house.

It had taken him forty minutes to write that text. Forty! And half of that was spent with his finger hovering over the send button. Even after all that time spent trying to devise the perfect text; not to heavy, apologising in a roundabout way for yesterday, telling him he was happy to see him then setting up their meeting, he was on the verge of a panic attack after realising he'd sent a kiss. It was second texting nature to him and he'd used it ever since he could remember. Yes, he'd had the habit even when he and Kakashi were still student and sensei, but wasn't it weird now that they were grown men?

Iruka pondered it for a while longer before letting it slide; there were more important matters at hand besides his texting etiquette. It was time to implement his next plan of attack. He'd already figured the first stage would be unsuccessful so, after an extremely long and arduous day, he was fully prepared for the next phase.

Kakashi awoke feeling groggy – and he loved it. His haze was still pretty thick; thick enough to camouflage all his persistent memories. Staggering round his apartment he moved to living room, placed himself in the ass-shaped indent on the coach and reached for the orange book on his coffee table. Icha Icha was almost better than alcohol at numbing his brain. On the rare occasion that there was no drink nearby, he always carried one of the trusty volumes to aid in quashing any unwelcome nostalgia.

He settled down for a long afternoon, only standing minutes later to retrieve a beer from the fridge. Not out of necessity, he convinced himself, just a refreshing beverage for the sake of it. This was just fine. He was...content.

Then the doorbell rang.

_'I can't catch a fucking break!' _Kakashi ignored it completely, reading on without a pause but the person at the door was unrelenting, adding rapid knocks between each bell ring. _'I swear if this is Gai'._

Kakashi reluctantly sauntered towards the door, nose still stubbornly between the pages of the pornographic novel. He opened the door.

"What do you want?" Kakashi sighed exasperatedly, still not looking up from the letters on the page.

"Umm...afternoon sensei".

Kakashi's head snapped up from the book dizzying his brain enough to question whether this was a hallucination. There, on his doorstep, stood Iruka, his beautiful tanned skin feathered by an oncoming blush and a nervous smile twitching on his lips.

"Can I...can I come in?"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I've passed the 1000 hits point! Hope everyone's enjoying it, I'd looooove some reviews - constructive criticism welcome! Pretty long chapter this week too, so...on with the show :)

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Kakashi didn't panic. He had very few emotions in his repertoire, but panic was certainly not among them. His erratic heartbeat, sweaty palms and sudden urge to run must have been from something else.

A slack jaw was also unlike the silver-haired male so as soon as he realised he reunited his parted lips and recollected himself. Swallowing his beer-flavoured saliva, in an effort to soothe the throat he'd assaulted through last night's constant sickness, he attempted to speak.

"Wh..What are you doing here?" He kept his exterior nonchalant, hoping Iruka hadn't noticed the stutter and the fact his voice box sounded like it had been caught in a stampede of raging bulls.

Iruka noticed. He also noticed how there were dark heavy bags under his eyes that made a sharp contrast to his pale skin, which used to remind the teacher of fine china, but now resembled a dull greying paper plate. He noticed how he was still wearing the stained black sweatpants and creased off-white t-shirt from two days ago. He noticed the unmistakable stench of alcohol but he couldn't tell which; it was either one he didn't he know, or a concoction of many different ones.

The whole picture in the doorframe made him queasy with hurt. He so badly wanted to pull the taller man into his arms and squeeze out the darkness that was clearly overpowering him. He couldn't though. If he did, Kakashi would take it as pity - and there was nothing the man hated more. So he restrained. He folded the arms that were itching to reach out and stopped the edges of lips from dropping. He pulled all these unexpressed reactions into one annoyed-looking roll of his eyes.

"Gee, its nice to see you too Kakashi. We were meant to meet yesterday, remember. You didn't reply to my text so I figured I'd take the initiative. Are you going to let me in or just make me loiter on your doorstep?"

"Maa, Iruka, I already told you my house is a mess".

"Tsk, please. I teach kindergarten classes every Thursday. I can deal with mess".

"What kind of host would I be if I let my guest see my apartment in such a state? Besides I have no tea to offer you".

"Come on Kakashi. I'm not here as a guest and I don't want to drink tea. I just want to catch up with an old friend".

Kakashi's brain was working a mile a minute trying to come up with more excuse that could get Iruka as far away from him as possible. There was no way he was letting the teacher inside. The last person he let into his place was Gai and that had resulted in him being forced into those damn AA classes. The teacher would only worry and try pressuring him into seeking help he definitely didn't need. '_Why can't people just leave me be?'_

"Look, now's not a good time Iruka".

"When should I back then?" The teacher was insistent. He was prepared for any excuse.

Kakashi sighed deeply and smoothed his silver-hair back only for it to bounce back to its gravity-defying left lean. He would have run his fingers through it, but he wasn't willing to deal with the knots. If Iruka was still as hard-headed as he was when he was eight, and it certainly appeared so, this exchange would continue indefinitely. With another exasperated sigh he resigned himself to his fate.

"In an hour. We can go grab some food".

Iruka grinned, creasing the scar on his nose. "I'll be back at 5pm". With a parting wave the tanned man turned away from Kakashi's door, walked to the end of the corridor and entered the elevator. As soon as the large silver doors closed he let out a shuddered breath and rested his head on the cool metal and stood in silence. He could still hear the raspy broken voice, though. His eyes were closed, but he could still see those sunken eyes and sallow skin. He was too far from Kakashi's door to still smell the alcohol but his stomach churned at the memory. '_Come on Iruka, pull yourself together!_' Groaning, he thumped his head on the doors before hitting the ground floor button.

Kakashi kept his face calm as he watched Iruka walk down the corridor and enter the elevator. As soon as the doors closed the man dropped his head, slapped a palm to his face and rubbed over his eyes. _'Fuck.' _With the side of his fist he punched at the left side of the doorframe with a deep groan. He could try to blame his anger on Iruka and the man's stubborn persistence, but he couldn't. He did want to see him. He really did. The thought of reuniting with his former student had crossed his mind countless times over the nine years. But not now. Not like this.

Closing the door and walking back into his apartment, Kakashi headed for the shower. The steaming water pounded on his back as the man lost himself in his memories. For the first time in a very long time, he let his thoughts run their course.

He remembered the day he told Iruka that he had achieved his yellow belt before the deadline and how the boy had jumped and wrapped his arms around his neck. Kakashi's chuckle bounced off the glass shower doors remembering how he had tensed from head to toe at the unfamiliar violation of his personal space and seriously contemplated kicking the boy away. He got used to it though. Over time that urge to push the boy away lessened to zero.

He remembered how strange he found the student at first. How strange it was that he was so ruled by his emotions. When he was happy, every bone in his body radiated a contagious brightness, which made the edge of Kakashi's lip twitch up whenever he was too close.

He remembered the first time he had seen Iruka cry. It was wrong. It was so out of place Kakashi had felt the unrelenting compulsion to stop it; to get that brightness back. He didn't exactly know how but let Iruka cry to him, or on him in particularly bad sessions, and patted his back methodically, answering any questions the kid asked him or 'hmm'-ing at appropriate intervals. He never knew if he was actually helping, but Iruka always came back, asking if they could chat. As long as it brought the brightness back quicker he'd do it.

Iruka respected him so completely; looking up to him in a way he looked up to no one else and that made him change. When he'd been enrolled into the karate class his sole goal was to improve his combat and leadership skills, making himself the best possible soldier he could be. He still had this goal in mind, obviously, he'd been on that track since birth, but that no longer became his only calling. Being there for Iruka, being the best sensei...the best friend he could be so the boy's respect was not wasted on him, became a priority as well.

_'My only two goals in life and I failed them both spectacularly. I was a terrible soldier and I certainly did not become someone worthy of Iruka's respect. Not that I still have to worry about that. If I didn't lose his respect when I left, I've certainly lost it now. I am scum. Just like Obito said'_

Kakashi's heart burned as his thoughts entered realms he certainly wasn't ready form. Sliding down the tiled wall of the shower, he brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in the valley between them trying with all his might to think of something...anything else. It wasn't working. He was replaying his last conversation with his deceased friend over and over in his head; Obito's last words echoing louder and louder each time.

Kakashi shot up and out of the shower, to his bedroom and reached for the bourbon under his bed. Pulling out the bottle he noticed it was nearly finished. He charged to his chest of drawers and found an unopened 250ml bottle of vodka beside his shirts. Taking it back to the shower, he returned to his position on the floor, the water still pounding at his back. After eight swigs, the vodka worked its magic; drowning out the memories and leaving his mind completely clear.

He could vaguely feel that the water was starting to get cold and there was a distant ringing somewhere, but he was going nowhere. He'd found it again; that contentment.

Iruka rang the bell for the sixteenth time. His knuckles were white from the almost fifteen minutes worth of knocking. He'd already left four missed calls. Resting his forehead on the door he closed his eyes. He knew the man was still home. His apartment was too far from Kakashi's to have made it back in time, so he'd stayed in the car park. Granted, he could have left from a different entrance into the apartment complex, but Iruka was sure he could hear the shower.

Five more minutes passed before Iruka turned, resting the back of his head where his forehead had been. He twisted his finger to ring the bell twice more. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Iruka groaned and kicked the door with his heel. He shouldn't be frustrated. It wasn't fair for him to be angry at Kakashi. He had no idea what the man was going through, but no matter how cool and collected he tried to pretend to be, it was obvious he was plagued by something. No, he couldn't be frustrated at the man; he'd just have to work harder next time. He wasn't ready to give up just yet though; he didn't want to leave yet. Ringing the bell once more, he slid down the door and sat cross legged.

The teacher lost track of time as he sat there, periodically knocking at the door over his shoulder. His mind was filled with plan after plan, all of which he had absolutely no faith in. He was startled out of his planning when his phone vibrated in his pocket. His hand dove in to his pocket, a slither of hope telling him it could be Kakashi. He looked at the screen only to sigh when he saw his aunt's name there.

**How's it going brat? I hope you're making good use of that address I got you. I didn't endure a twenty minute conversation with Gai for nothing so you better be doing something productive over there. He might find you annoying but believe me, persistence is the key when it comes to stubborn people like him and I, so don't give up. Good luck kid x**

Iruka clicked off the text and went to his home-screen. 6.43pm; he'd been knocking on this door for an hour and forty minutes. He thought about what Tsunade had said. Sitting outside his door was persistent all right, but it was certainly not productive. What exactly was he going to do once Kakashi came to the door, only to find that Iruka had been there for nearly two hours? He'd tried so hard to act as casually as he could, if he was found out there in the corridor Kakashi would definitely know that his visit was stemmed from worry and wanting to help, rather than just the friendly catch up he'd suggested it was.

Making up his mind to try again tomorrow, Iruka attempted to get up off floor. His legs had fallen asleep though so he had to hold on to the door handle. The pins and needles in his feet rising up his legs had him putting his weight on the door, but as he did so, he pushed the handle down only for him to stumble in to a darkened hallway.

Iruka stood frozen, mouth agape. After a few minutes he still didn't move but his eyes started to scan his surroundings. He couldn't see much; the corridor had no windows and the light was off. It was a relatively long, spacious corridor so the only thing he could tell about the apartment was that it was bigger than his own. He still felt guilty though. Kakashi had made it strikingly clear he didn't want Iruka in his home and here he was, trespassing.

He sighed and stepped back. He gave the corridor one last once over before he turned to face away. Iruka stopped and furrowed his brow. He turned back to look at the second door on the right, the only one that was slightly ajar, with a sliver of light shining out of it. That wasn't what stopped him though; he could still hear the shower...the shower he'd heard when he arrived nearly two hours ago. It had to be ice cold by now. There's no way he was still in there, was there?

Before he knew what he was doing, Iruka had taken a few steps closer to the shower.

"K-Kakashi?" There was no reply. Besides the sound of the water there was no sign of life. Maybe he'd left it on before he left. That seemed unlikely but if he'd been drunk he might have done. If he was in there though, he must be frozen by now. He'd looked ill enough earlier, he'd only get worse if he stayed in there.

"Kakashi?" Iruka tried a little louder and by now he was in front of the bathroom door. He was close enough now to hear that the water wasn't hitting the floor or the shower door or any other hard surface. The slightly muffled sound could only be caused by skin.

"Kakashi?"Still nothing. Iruka gave a few sharp knocks on the door making it creak slightly, but there was still no response from the other side. The teacher started to panic a little. Even with the sound of the shower, there was no way Kakashi wouldn't have heard him calling him three times and knocking.

Iruka's heart was thumping as he pushed the door open inch by inch. He felt like he shouldn't be there, he felt guilty about intruding where he wasn't welcome, but he was mostly scared about what he'd find on the other side of the door.

His heart seemed to stop completely once he caught sight of the glass corner shower cubicle. There, on the floor sat Kakashi; his knees pulled up to his chest and his head buried in the valley between them as the water hit his back. One arm was hooked across his shins, holding them together. The other arm was sprawled on his side, with an almost empty vodka bottle laid in the palm of his hand.

He hadn't noticed that he had been walking backwards until his back hit the wall. Sliding down like he'd done at the front door, he crossed his legs. His elbows dug into his knees as he buried his head in his hands. His breath was so ragged it bordered on hyperventilation and his palms were wet from his tears. For a few minutes all that could be heard were Iruka's sobs and the water pounding at Kakashi's back.

It had hurt when he'd seen his old sensei and what he'd become, but this didn't just hurt. It burned. It was absolutely agonising. He'd known Kakashi was in a bad place, but this...he couldn't handle this.

Iruka rose to his feet and darted down the corridor without so much as another glance at the bathroom. He didn't stop until he was in his car. His breath was laboured as he rested his forehead on the steering wheel. His keys were already in the ignition and he was ready to leave when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Taking it out, he saw a text from his friend Ayame asking if he wanted to go for ramen that evening. He clicked the back button wanting to go back to the home screen to check the time, when he stopped at his inbox. He saw the text Tsunade had sent him earlier and opened it once more.

_'Persistence is the key when it comes to stubborn people like him and I, so don't give up'._

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__A/N: There you have it guys. Angsty-est chapter so far I think. I do hate torturing Kashi though :/  
Tell me what you thought !


	7. Chapter 7

_'Persistence is the key when it comes to stubborn people like him and I, so don't give up'._

Iruka banged his head on the steering wheel a few times. That sentence had been playing on his mind for the last fifteen minutes. He'd still not moved from the car park. Every time he considered turning the key that sat patiently in the ignition, a ripple of guilt would pass through him. At the same time, every time he glanced out of the windscreen in the direction of the entrance he'd have to avert his gaze to stop his heart from trying to beat out of his chest.

_'If I go back in there, I'm trespassing and completely going against his wishes to not go in his house. Not only that, he'll be furious in the morning. He hates to look weak in front of anyone; if he knows I've seen him in that state and, even worse, try to get him out of it, he might never talk to me again. I can kiss goodbye to trying to get closer to him; he'll close up completely once he gets back to his senses.'_

Again, the teacher went to the keys in the ignition. This time he turned them and heard the rumble of the engine starting up. Putting his hands back on the steering wheel, he tightened his grip in an effort to subside the shaking. His foot was hovering over the pedal and he knew he should be driving, but as his eyes glanced again at the entrance to the apartment complex he turned the engine off, sighing deeply.

Even with all the reasons he had to leave, he couldn't do it. The picture of a frail looking Kakashi, hunched in his shower, was stuck in his mind's eye. He was going to catch hypothermia if he stayed as he was.

_'All I have to do is get him out. I just have to knock on the shower door, make sure he wakes up and leave before he has chance to get furious and ban me from his life'._

Looking at the entrance once more, he could tell he was shaking slightly; dreading what lay on the other side of those doors. It had to be done though. The thought of leaving him like that filled him with too much shame, primarily because if that had been him, his sensei wouldn't think twice about helping him. Hadn't he told himself that he was going to be there for Kakashi, whether he liked it or not? What kind of saviour falls at the first hurdle?

With a new resolve, but his hands still shaking, Iruka stepped out of his car, locked it and headed for Kakashi's door. Standing in the elevator, the teacher took controlled breaths, clenching and unclenching his fingers in an effort to prepare himself. He couldn't cry this time.

The ping signifying Kakashi's floor came all too soon. He found himself outside the unlocked door and gingerly reached out for the handle. He opened it and once again found himself outside the bathroom. He'd left the door ajar but he didn't dare raise his eyes to the sight before him yet. Another deep breath and he'd be ready.

Iruka slowly raised his eyes from the ground that they had been glued to. There he was; still curled into himself, his head lowered and the water still pounding at his back. The brown-haired man hadn't realised he'd been staring until he felt the familiar prickling of tears behind his eyes. Shaking his head and raising his eyes to the ceiling to keep the tears from falling, he took a few more deep breaths before stepping over the threshold of the bathroom.

It was incredibly modern. The floor, and the wall up to waist-height, was tiled with black granite, a sharp contrast to the white roll top bath to the left of the room and the white toilet, bidet and sink at the right. The upper half of the wall was the same crisp white as the bath, interrupted only by various mirrored cabinets and one extremely large mirror at the left of the back wall. It was beautiful really, if slightly dirty. There were a few rings of grime at different levels around the bathtub. The white mirrors were marred with watermarks that disturbed the reflection and there were assorted towels and clothes across the floor.

He looked at everything in the bathroom in meticulous detail; avoiding what he was really there for. His eyes had scanned everything and finally they roamed toward the right corner of the back wall. The glass shower wasn't steamed in the slightest; in fact it was crystal clear. There was no chance of the water being anywhere near warm.

Walking towards the cubicle, Iruka stepped over a navy blue towel and a pair of black boxers before he found himself in front of the door. His hand hovered over the handle as his eyes were trained down on Kakashi. From here he seemed to tower over the usually taller man. He was so close he could see the goosebumps that ran all across his skin. So much skin. So much exposed skin.

A red tinge ran up Iruka's face at the realisation that Kakashi was naked.

_'Of course he's naked, you idiot. He's in the shower. You just have to get him out...while he's naked. No big deal, you can do this'._

His mental pep-talk did nothing to subside his heavy blush. His bottom lip gripped between his teeth, he knocked on the glass. Kakashi didn't move an inch.

"Kakashi?" Iruka called out this time, but on receiving no reply he knocked louder. Still nothing. His worry mounting, Iruka furrowed his brow and pulled slightly at the shower door. It easily popped open. The sound of the water hitting skin was much louder now. Iruka wondered for a second whether that was the reason Kakashi hadn't heard him calling or knocking, but as it was the silver-haired still hadn't moved.

Rolling up his sleeve, the teacher leaned over Kakashi's pale body to reach the shower faucet. Wincing at what felt like icicles pounding at his forearm, he quickly turned it off and drew away his freezing arm.

Still no movement from Kakashi.

Kneeling down to get a look at the profile of his face, Iruka winced at the blue lips and utter lack of complexion. He gently placed a hand on his shoulder, biting his bottom lip at how his palm seemed to burn in comparison.

"Kakashi, wake up," he spoke in the man's ear, giving a tender shake to his shoulder. Nothing.

Iruka got up. The nervousness he'd felt coming here had simmered to the back of his mind as worry rose to the forefront. This wasn't good; Kakashi was completely unresponsive. Pulling open various mirrored cabinets in search for a clean towel, he found a large black one in the third cabinet. Bringing it over to his sensei, he wrapped the man in it, drying him in the process.

Still no movement from Kakashi.

Once again knelt outside the shower, Iruka gently dried the silver locks and all the skin that was exposed to him. He wasn't even embarrassed anymore. He was more scared than anything else.

"Kakashi. Kakashi, please. Please get up." Iruka was mildly aware that he was getting a bit frantic. His voice had been steadily rising as he repeated the man's name over and over, begging him to get up. His hands on the man's shoulder and knee shook a bit harder and he could feel the tears, that he'd done well to keep in, start to roll down his cheeks.

He wasn't sure how long this went on for but he stopped dead when he heard a quiet groan.

"Kakashi!"

"Hn." It was quiet, but it was a response.

Relief flooded over the teacher and he smiled despite the tears that were still cascading down his face. He was awake. Completely out of it, but awake; not unconscious or comatose.

"You idiot. What are doing? You're going catch hypothermia. Come on, you need to get out".

"Hn." He groaned again; much louder this time.

"Come on, you have to get up." Iruka stood up, lifting with him Kakashi's elbow in an effort to get the man up. His arm raised but none of the rest of him moved. Iruka placed his hand on top of the silver locks, pushing them gently back to get a better look at his face. His eyes were still closed. Placing his other hand underneath his chin, he slowly tilted the head back.

"Kakashi," he spoke to closed eyes and blue lips. He saw eyelashes flutter before one eyelid rose revealing a bottomless pit of black. His pupils were impossibly dilated and unfocused. "Kakashi, it's Iruka. I need you to get out of the shower and into something warm."

"Ruka?" His voice was so small and so broken and the eye was still unfocused.

"Yeah, it's me. Get up, please".

Kakashi's pupil focused, finally looking at Iruka; their eyes locking. The teacher's heartbeat accelerated. He was still clearly absent-minded, but his stare seemed so intense Iruka couldn't help but squirm. It was then he realised his hands were still stroking the top of Kakashi's head and the bottom of his chin. He let go as if the contact had burned him.

"Umm...can you get up?"

Kakashi didn't answer; he only continued to stare at Iruka, who squirmed under the intense gaze. There was a dense silence between them and the brunette felt the need to break it, along with the eye-contact.

"Y-you really should get out of the shower Kakashi."

"Why." It was less of a word and more of a croak.

"Well, you shouldn't sleep in the shower, and the water was on all this time so you could catch hypothermia or something if you stay in here, and you can't be comfortable in there and if..."

"Why are you here?" Kakashi ground out. Iruka stuttered, stumbling over his unfinished sentence as he tried to come up with something to say.

_'This is it. He's about to blow a fuse. He's about to kick me out and tell me never to come back'._

"I-I came back to pick you up for dinner like you told me to, and you didn't answer, and I was about to leave but I-I kind of fell into the door, and I grabbed the handle but the door was unlocked, so I fell into the corridor, but I was going to leave, but then I heard that the shower was still on, and it had been more than an hour, and I knew it must have been freezing by then, so I called your name, but you didn't answer and I got worried and came in and saw you here."

By the time Iruka got to the end of his rant he was out of breath. He was looking at the floor, waiting for the inevitable onslaught. He couldn't see that eye but he could still feel it boring into him. "If I...no. I-I know I crossed the line. I'm sorry. Just...please get out of the shower".

To say Kakashi was confused would be an understatement. Everything seemed to be in a haze, and not the kind he usually welcomed. He didn't appreciate the blur at the edge of his memories; he wanted to be aware, to remember why he was in the shower and why Iruka was in his bathroom. He was sure he could feel gentle strokes through his hair and at his chin but it stopped before he could fully grasp what it was. He focused on the younger man stood above him. He looked so concerned, so worried, so hurt but he couldn't figure out why.

"Why?"

He watched as Iruka began babbling in the nervous way he did when he was younger. He was making no sense. He was confusing Kakashi more. _'Hypothermia?'_

"Why are you here?" Kakashi watched fascinated as the tanned skin on the man's cheeks flushed under his gaze and how he began tripping on his words. The monologue that followed was too hurried for the weary man to catch it all. The last part was considerably quieter, but much slower, so he clearly heard the apology and the plea to get out of the shower.

"Okay," _'If it'll get that worried look off his face.'_

Kakashi attempted to get up, but winced at the feeling of his muscles resisting. He was so tense, so rigid, as if frozen. As he reached up to grab onto the shower door he noticed his hands were shaking. His whole body was shivering. He gripped the shower door and made an effort to hoist himself up, to no avail.

Iruka watched as Kakashi tried to get up. He was too weak. His strong, reliable, responsible, invincible sensei was too weak to lift himself up. The brunette bit into his lip and pushed back his tears with all his might. It was evident that the older man was not yet completely conscious of everything so he was sure he wouldn't notice how his eyes must have been glistening with unshed tears.

He couldn't stand there watching the man struggle, so in a swift move that would have made his sensei proud, he bent down slipped an arm behind Kakashi's back and placed the man's arm over his shoulder before the fatigued man could blink. The quicker he did this the less time there was for the man to resist or protest.

Iruka blushed as he became vaguely aware that the towel had remained in the shower cubicle, but he persevered nevertheless, quickly walking the man to what he assumed was the bedroom across the hall.

The skin at his back burned where Iruka grabbed him. Everywhere his skin made contact with the other man seemed to sizzle. Before he knew what was happening he was hoisted onto his feet. The movement was so sudden everything around him spun out of focus. It was like vertigo. The only thing keeping him from falling was the man at his side keeping him upright. Everything else seemed so distorted and unclear, he was sure if the man let go he too might fade into that obscurity, but he held him tight, not letting him drift into the darkness that was trying to overcome him again. He was like his anchor.

Iruka reached the corridor and opened the door opposite. The room was dark but he could make out the silhouette of the bed. He moved himself and Kakashi towards it and upon reaching it, pulled back the covers.

The teacher was more than a little surprised at how complacent the silver-haired man was being. Yes, he wasn't completely in his right mind, but Iruka was still expecting a little resistance.

Covers aside, he lowered Kakashi onto the bed. Though it was too dark to see anything, Iruka was still blushing as he covered the naked body on the bed.

The spinning seemed to subside substantially as he was lowered on his back. Everything was still so dark though; so shady and unclear. The once sharp edges of his psyche were so blunt and it was confusing how a state that had been his source of comfort for months was now causing him such anxiety.

He felt the covers being tucked around him; a toasty cocoon that held in his shivers. He could feel his anchor smoothing out the covers over his torso. A hand came up to smooth away the stray damp hairs at his forehead, lulling him into a sense of calm despite the darkness still lurking at the fringes of his consciousness.

The hand went to pull away and Kakashi was filled with a sense of dread. If his anchor left surely he would drown under that darkness; the haze would surely overcome him.

"Don't go."

"...Uh. I-I have class in the morning and it's probably best if you get your rest and I wouldn't want to..."

"Please."

How could he say no to that? If Kakashi needed him here tonight, and every other night until he was better, he would stay.

Iruka sat on the bed, on top of the covers, his back against the headboard and his legs swung over the bed besides Kakashi. Pulling out his phone from his pocket, he sent a quick text to the teacher he'd covered for two weeks ago, hoping she would forgive him for the short notice.

He looked down at the man beside him and began to smooth his fingers through his damp hair once again.

The inebriated man laid his head on Iruka's lap and once again calmed at the feel of those warm fingers running through his silver locks.

He had been wrong before. This was it; this was contentment.

* * *

A/N: There you go guys. Hope you liked it; I think this was the hardest chapter to write. Please review!


	8. Chapter 8

Kakashi awoke with his usual bout of nausea. He didn't stagger to his bathroom as was typical of other mornings after a particularly heavy binge. That morning he lingered in his bed; eyes still closed enjoying the warmth.

Yes, his head was banging and, yes his stomach was churning to foreshadow a future purge of its contents, but he was warm. He was well rested. He felt comfortable and utterly content lying there under his covers.

Forcing his eyes open, Kakashi was met by a grey ceiling highlighted by the rays of light escaping from the partially closed blinds at the other side of the room. With his eyes open the soldier felt much more awake. He still couldn't feel much past the aching in his head and the warmth around him though. The uncharacteristic cosiness. The heat around his waist, against his chest and up against his right side.

Kakashi tore his eyes away from the ceiling. His brow furrowed and his heart jumped at the mass of chocolate locks spread out over his chest.

_'There's no way I was that drunk last night...'_

Calming down so he could properly assess the situation, the man eased slightly away from his anonymous bedfellow, ignoring the way the sledgehammer at his temples sped up at the movement. He slid until the head fell away from his chest on to the edge of his right arm. Looking down at himself once more, Kakashi was surprised to see that he was tucked in his covers while his companion was fully clothed above the covers.

The brunette squirmed next to him, apparently in search of the warmth he'd been robbed of. The strands that had been covering his face shifted as he moved his head allowing his cheek better purchase on his body pillow.

Kakashi's breath caught in his throat at the sight of an outstretched scar sitting on a straight tan nose that broke past the curtain of brown locks.

_'Iruka?!'_

The nausea that had been simmering in the back of his senses soared to the forefront, and he found himself tumbling out of his bed and across the hallway to empty his gut in the toilet.

...

Iruka jumped as he heard a soft thud. His eyes were still hazy from the impromptu awakening but he caught sight of a pale blur staggering towards the bedroom door. He furrowed his brow and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands in a bid to clear his morning sigght.

The teacher gasped at the view that welcomed his freshly cleared vision. The heat in his face multiplied as his eyes roved over the ivory skin of his sensei's back. Frail scars painted a faded map across the muscular expanse. He could tell his breath was beginning to hurry as his eyes took a leisurely stroll south. He gulped as his burning gaze fell upon the identical dimples marking the beginning of the curve of the cheeks before, all too soon, the godlike stature finally stumbled its way into the corridor, away from prying eyes.

Iruka hadn't realised he'd been leaning slowly forward toward the end of the bed, trying to catch another glimpse, until he had to pull himself back at the last minute to stop himself from falling off. The shock from having to grab at the sheets so suddenly snapped him out of his Kakashi-induced daze.

Leaning back on the bed he collapsed on his back, arm over his eyes, lips parted to get more oxygen, in an attempt to normalise the breathing that had momentarily ceased.

_'H-he's beautiful...'_

Iruka was affected. Those broad shoulders and that tall, lean build covered in the most precious porcelain had affected him. The brunette felt feverish. He was flustered and blushing and butterflies were running rampant in his stomach.

"Bleaaaauurghhhhcchhhhhhhhhhhhhujjeee."

Iruka bolted up and winced at the wretched sound that brought him straight out of his musings. He hopped off the bed and headed for the bedroom door. Before he even entered the corridor, he could see the bathroom. The door was open and he could see the left side of that ivory idol hunched on his knees over the toilet.

_'Beautiful. So beautiful but... so broken.'_

He stood there, feeling some of the butterflies in his stomach wither away as Kakashi spat in his toilet. Slumping his head on the seat, the silver-haired man appeared to be done. The only sounds in the apartment were his occasional sniffs and hiccups.

Even if he had known what to do, Iruka wasn't sure if he'd have been able to move. Before he'd even got a chance to try, Kakashi leaned back over the bowl and spewed his guts once more, the sound hitting Iruka, forcing him to look away and unsuccessfully fight back tears.

The vomiting subsided momentarily and the teacher found himself slowly walking into the corridor. He paused at the threshold of the bathroom, still unsure of what to do. The sickly sound of a dry heave pushed him into action. He walked into the bathroom about to reach out to his sensei when he became aware of the nakedness. Striding back into the bedroom, he rummaged through the clothes on the floor and the desk chair before catching a glimpse of a black bathrobe behind the bedroom door. Grabbing it, he turned to leave when he caught sight of a bottle of aspirin and empty glass on the bedside table. Taking both with him he went back to the bathroom door. He lingered again, but with a mission in mind he pressed forward.

Iruka filled the glass with water from the sink beside the toilet and placed it and the aspirin beside the toilet. Kakashi was once again resting his cheek on the toilet seat; eyes closed, seemingly unmoved by Iruka's actions.

Stood behind the hunched man, he hesitated slightly before covering the beautiful back in the black bathrobe.

...

The bathroom floor was cold and uncomfortable. It was a familiar feeling. What was not familiar was the feel of eyes watching him and the sound of another pair of lungs sharing his oxygen.

_'I'm naked. I'm sat on my bathroom floor, hanging on to my toilet and vomiting in front of the last person in the world I would want to see me like this.'_

He pushed the thought aside; it was doing nothing to alleviate his headache. He would think it over later. He had a few bottles of sake perfect for the job.

His stomach protested at the reminder of alcohol and would have purged some more if there was anything left to get rid of, but it settled for a dry heave instead. His head felt like it was splitting at the action but he still heard quick shuffling behind him and in the bedroom. He was too dizzy to decipher it so he settled for resting his cheek on the toilet seat and closing his eyes until his head stopped punishing him.

He heard the clink of a glass beside him but his curiosity wasn't as heavy as his eyelids. He could tell that Iruka was still in the room but he seemed to just be stood behind him. He didn't time have to work out what the man was doing before he felt himself enveloped into something warm. He almost purred at the comfort of the soft material against his back but managed to pull it back into a light sigh.

"I...th-there's a glass of water and aspirin beside you...y-you probably have a killer headache." Kakashi was almost drifting into slumber, induced by the cotton cocoon when he heard the stuttered whisper.

"Hn," Kakashi groaned. He was hoping the silence between them would continue indefinitely. Silence meant that they didn't have acknowledge the situation they were in.

"I'm not sure what else you need. I-I think food is a good idea...I could maybe make something or go out and get something if there's something you want in particular."

The older man stayed silent. Iruka clearly didn't share the same desire to overlook their current predicament. He remained soundless and motionless hoping the man would get the message and leave.

"I-if you don't want to eat yet you might want to sleep some more; it's still only 11am. I do think you need to eat though, I can make lunch while..."

"I don't need anything."

"..."

_'So now he's silent.'_

Kakashi was annoyed. It was irrational and he knew it, but that didn't stop him feeling it.

_'I'm here more times a week than he has class, why the hell would he think he knows what I need all of a sudden. Why is he even here?'_

"Why are you even here?" He was aware that his voice sounded icier than he intended it to. He wasn't angry, just annoyed and confused.

...

"I don't need anything."

Iruka was frozen to the spot. What was he supposed to say to that? Kakashi's voice was still croaky but there was no denying that irritated tone.

_'What am I doing? Of course he doesn't need anything. Just because this is new for me doesn't mean it is for him. He must find me so patronising. Maybe I should have left."_

He felt like he'd already failed.

"Why are you even here?" The question brought Iruka out of his thoughts and the sense of guilt that had been threatening to approach was immediately wiped out in favour of defiance.

"I'm here, Kakashi, because you asked me to stay."

The silver head spun to face Iruka, the two making eye-contact for first time that day. Confusion was plastered all over the older man's face; it was obvious he remembered little or nothing of what happened the night before.

"What?"

"Last night. I was set to leave and you asked me not to."

Kakashi said nothing. He turned his head away from Iruka, catching sight of the water and aspirin beside him. His head was screaming at him to take it but he resisted. Iruka sighed exasperatedly watching him turn away from the painkillers.

"Have the aspirin Kakashi."

"I told you I don't need anything. I clearly wasn't in my right mind when I asked you to stay. You know where the door is."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn? I'm only trying to be here for you!"

"I didn't ask you to be!"

"You did yesterday."

"Like I said, I wasn't in my right mind."

"Drunken minds speak sober truths, Kakashi."

* * *

A/N

I absolutely love that quote! I really think it's true as well; if you say something while drunk that you wouldn't while sober it's gotta be something you thought deep down in your subconscious. Stubborn Kakashi does not see it that way though... don't worry we're wearing him down slowly but surely.

I tried signifying the change in perspective a bit clearer in this chapter. manekineko commented that it was bit confusing when i change from Ruka to Kashi and back so hopefully it makes for an easier read now :)

Lemme know what you thought of the chapter guys: Please review!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N

Another 4am upload...I really need to sort out my sleeping pattern, but there's nothing better than a bit of writing to cure acute insomnia :) I've got a question for you all, but I'll save till the end - On with the show!

* * *

"Drunken minds speak sober truths, Kakashi."

The older man turned to half-face Iruka with an incredulous look in his narrowed eye.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Come on. You're a genius; I'm pretty sure you know what I'm getting at."

The eye narrowed further, looking at the tanned man as if he was speaking in tongues.

"Enlighten me."

Iruka sighed and rubbed at his scar. This is not how this morning was supposed to go. He should have been expecting it though. '_Show a little affection to Kakashi Hatake, you better be prepared for the Spanish Inquisition.'_

"Well...it's just...if you didn't want me here you wouldn't have asked me stay, whether you were in your right mind or not. Even if you're not willing to accept it, somewhere deep down you wanted me-my company."

"Yes, so deep down, in fact, that I have no recollection of it."

"It doesn't even matter. I'm here now. I'm going to go get some lunch ready_."_

"Stop," Kakashi commanded before Iruka had even turned fully towards the door. "I said yesterday I didn't want you in my house and I meant it."

"But-"

"I meant it, Iruka."

The younger man opened his lips to speak but Kakashi had already turned away from him, effectively calling an end to their debate.

...

Kakashi turned away from Iruka hoping to regain his silence. He did, but it wasn't exactly golden. Without the unwelcome distraction of the other man, the hacking at his temples was far more pronounced. He wasn't so sure it was the alcohol alone though; the other man's words were resonating with him, repeating themselves and forcing him to take notice.

_'If drunken minds speak sober truths, somewhere deep down I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to see me so weak. How the fuck can that be true? Yes, I know he has no respect for me anymore, but why the hell would I want him to bear witness to what I've become? For most of my twenty-seven years of living I've never asked anyone for help. Not once. Then Iruka comes along and suddenly I'm asking people to spend to the night. What is it about that stubborn man?!'_

By this point Kakashi was grinding his teeth and looking at the toilet with all the ferocity of a rabid wolf. If there was one thing the genius hated, it was not understanding a situation. If there was one thing he loathed with every fibre of his being, it was not understanding himself. Only one other person had made him question himself and his actions.

The man fisted his hands in his hair, the robe slipping a bit further down his shoulders.

_'No. No, no, not now. Not when I can't drink anything to make it easier.'_

His fingers tightened around his silver strands, but his thoughts were already entering unwelcome territory.

...

Iruka stood there fuming. _'Stupid, stubborn geniuses.'_

He stood there, looking at the man's back. For a moment he reminisced about the masterpiece that lay underneath the robe before remembering the task at hand. He racked his brain for something to say. The silence was unnerving. He couldn't offer to make food again; he doubted he'd be able to persuade the man to let him in his kitchen. He didn't particularly want to leave and get food either; the probability of being let back in was slim to none. He looked around the bathroom and considered drawing the man a warm bath as he caught sight of the roll top.

Looking at Kakashi once more, he parted his lips to offer his bath idea, but, before he could, he saw slim pale fingers bury themselves in a silver forest. Iruka closed his mouth, his words lost upon seeing the older man's obvious distress. He stood there; not taking his eyes off those fingers as they slowly began to tighten around the hair. The tighter his fingers wound, the tenser his shoulder became, the robe slipping further until it pooled at his waist.

Iruka's feet padded one in front of the other on the cold, black granite tiles. He kneeled behind the man, his knees just about touching the other man's feet. Lifting his hands, he hesitated for the first time since he'd started moving, but seeing those fingers tighten to a surely painful degree, he pushed aside his hesitation, reached for the pale wrist and wrapped his own tanned fingers around them.

...

Kakashi opened one of the eye that had been previously screwed shut. It widened slightly at the sight of those tanned fingers that had enfolded themselves around his wrists. He narrowed his eye in the next moment. Had he been so lost in thought that he hadn't heard Iruka kneel behind him? _'A poor excuse for a soldier indeed.'_

The fingers, that had merely been resting, started to pull gently at his wrists. He resisted, burying his fingers deeper in his hair, but the fingers only pulled harder.

"Let go."

"Shut up."

Kakashi gaped at the audacity. He must have loosened his grip as well because he found his hands steadily heading south. He followed their decent and watched as his hands were placed on his bare thighs. The fingers still didn't let up on his wrists, but the thumbs on each hand circled tenderly at his pulse. He felt the tension in his shoulders ebb away under the slow caress of those thumbs. His eye slowly closed as he basked in the unfamiliar comfort.

His mind emptied to nothing but the subtle soothing he was receiving. A sudden heat landed between his shoulder blades, snapping him out of his stupor. His eye widened yet again as he felt a warm moist breath travel down his spine. His skin tingled under the sensation_. _

Kakashi closed his eye once more, savouring the touch and the breath for a while longer. He knew he had to pull away soon. It felt so good to feel the heat resonating from the other man, to feel the way all his muscles seemed to loosen just from the minute massages at his pulse-points – but he had to pull way. He had little pride left to lose, but he would cling to any thread that remained. He'd be damned if he accepted the other man's pity.

He let out a deep sigh, already lamenting the loss that was about to occur. With his left hand, heavy from Iruka's grip, he reached over to his right and unfurled the tan fingers from his wrist. He didn't have to repeat the process for the opposite side as Iruka's hands slipped away of their own accord, retreating somewhere he couldn't see.

The heat between his shoulder blades and the moist breath running down his spine remained.

"You should go." His own voice sounded distant to him. In that moment there were few things he desired less than Iruka's departure but he didn't take back his words. There was no reply but he felt the pressure shift slightly from left to right as the man behind him shook his head.

"Iruka...you should-"

"Why?" Kakashi managed to repress the shiver as he felt the sudden rush of humid air against his spine from that one word.

The older man sighed heavily and wavered for a while before he was sure his voice would project with enough conviction. "I don't want your pity."

Kakashi felt the immediate loss of heat as Iruka bolted upright.

"You think I'm here because I pity you?!" Kakashi couldn't understand why he sounded so shocked. _'He probably didn't think I'd notice. I'm hung-over, not an idiot'. _He felt irritation begin to boil within him at that thought. He wasn't going to grace him with an answer to such a patronising question.

"Just leave, Iruka."

...

Iruka felt his fingers being forcibly unfolded from Kakashi's wrist but did nothing to stop them. Instead he kicked himself for being so stupid.

'_I took it too far. Why the hell am I resting my head on his back?' _His body had been yearning to wrap itself around the pale male's body so he figured this would be an acceptable compromise. '_I'm such an idiot.'_

He screwed his eyes shut, awaiting the anger that was sure to fly in his direction any moment from now. Drawing his hands away from the man, he folded them in his lap, biting his lip as he continued to wait. He didn't move his head though, he wanted to maintain any contact he could until it was absolutely necessary to flee.

The barrage of complaints he was expecting never came though. Kakashi's voice was quiet and...hesitant? It was probably his imagination, but he was already reluctant to move; it would take more than that to budge him. He shook his head where it lay on the other man's back. When Kakashi began to speak, definitely sounding hesitant this time, Iruka couldn't help himself in questioning the man. He couldn't think of a single reason why he'd want him to go and the older man didn't sound like he could either.

"I don't want your pity."

Iruka pulled away from Kakashi in an instant, his eyes boring in the back of his head as if he'd find answers there. '_Pity?'_

"You think I'm here because I pity you?" He couldn't help the way his voice jumped an octave higher at what he was being accused of.

"Just leave, Iruka."

The younger man's jaw dropped and he blinked repeatedly trying to figure out how they had suddenly gone from sitting contentedly as one to him being ordered out like he'd committed some wrong against the man.

"Is that what you really think?" Kakashi scoffed at his whispered question, effectively answering him and angering him.

Iruka's left hand gripped at Kakashi's right shoulder and tugged until he could see the pale profile of his face. He stared into that one black eye, not removing his hand from the shoulder.

"Answer my question Kakashi! Do you think I'm here because I pity you?"

The aforementioned raised a delicate grey brow; a light gesture marred by the cynicism evident all over his face.

He watched as Kakashi's eye narrowed. "Why else would you be here?"

Iruka's hand dropped as if paralysed by the iciness of the other's voice and the pierce of his glare. He watched as the man turned back away from him, but that wasn't going to end the conversation this time.

"I don't pity you Kakashi. I'm sorry that you had to go through whatever it was that happened in the Army that affected you this way and it hurts me to see you like this because of it. But I don't pity you; you can't have pity for someone you care for, you can only care for them. That's why I'm here, you idiot. Not because I feel sorry for you, but because I care about you. I want you to get better and-"

"There's nothing wrong with me."

Iruka gasped in incredulity. "Nothing wrong with you? You passed out in a freezing cold shower after downing a bottle of vodka, Kakashi! Don't you dare tell me there's nothing wrong!"

As soon as the words had left his mouth Iruka winced at how Kakashi's shoulders tensed. He hadn't meant to raise his voice or sound so insensitive. Breathing in deeply before letting the air out slowly, he began again, careful to not to raise his voice this time.

"It's just...it hurts, you know. It physically hurts seeing you like this but...I can't help it. Pity? You really thought that's why I was here? You know, if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be doing exactly the same as I'm doing. Actually, you'd probably be doing a better job; I'm clearly failing at the comfort thing. You could always make me feel better. I know it was just stupid kid's stuff back then but you didn't stay with me and talk to me and comfort me because you pitied me, did you? Did you?"

"Of course, not." His voice was low, as was his head, but Iruka heard. He sighed, content that he'd got through the man.

"Then don't ever accuse me of being here because I pity you. I care about you Kakashi...a lot."

Iruka stood and turned away from the man. He walked over to the roll top bath, grimacing at the rings of grime around it. He remembered a cupboard with cleaning products he'd found while looking for a towel last night. He returned to the bath, sponge and all-purpose cleaner in hand, but stopped upon seeing Kakashi still knelt in front of the toilet.

"Take your aspirin. I'm running you a bath and then I'm gonna leave and bring back some food for us."

He finished his task. The water was warm and pure; he didn't think the man would appreciate a fancy bubble bath right now. He walked to the bathroom door, lingering in the frame. He turned back to see Kakashi's eye trained intently on him.

"Umm...I'll be back in like an hour. I'm taking the keys."

Iruka continued out the door, stopping for a second when he thought he'd heard a muffled 'thanks' from the other room. He found the keys to the apartment on a table beside the door, smiling as he thought of the perfect place to get lunch from.

* * *

A/N

So guys... this will eventually be a yaoi story so I was wondering who in you opinion is the seme and the uke in Kakashi and Iruka relationships. I'm usually a die-hard KakaIru fan and most of the stories for this pairing are KakaIru, but with Kashi being the one needing help and comfort etc, Ruka seems much more dominat in this. What do you think?


	10. Chapter 10

A/N

Hola guys. I wanted to get this out ALOT sooner but my first essay deadline was on Friday -_- Uni can be so inconsiderate; don't they know I have yaoi to be writing...

Oh and I **loved **reading your responses to my question last chapter. Sexytime's still a while away though so feel free to keep giving me your opinions and suggestions. Enough of me babbling - on with the show :)

* * *

_'I care about you Kakashi...a lot.'_

That line kept on repeating itself in Kakashi's mind as he continued to stare at the vacated corridor long after he'd heard the jingle of keys, the creak of the door and the slam of it shutting. He hadn't known what to think, let alone what to say to Iruka's outburst. He certainly couldn't argue with the younger man's logic; had their roles been reversed he knew he'd be doing the same thing.

Sighing in defeat he reached for the aspirin and water, swiftly swallowing the medicine and desperately looking forward to the relief it would bring him. Grabbing on to the sides of the bowl, he hoisted himself up, dropping the robe fully as he tried to right himself on his still unsteady feet. He grimaced, flushing the toilet, before turning to see the clear water, steam rising off the surface, enticing his tense muscles. He dipped a hand in, confirming that it felt as heavenly as it looked. Immersing himself in the pure warmth of the water, Kakashi almost felt absolved of all the impurity he'd subjected his body to recently. His joints loosened as did his grip on reality as he slowly slipped into a light slumber.

...

Iruka felt like he'd won a small victory. He wasn't naive; he didn't think that Kakashi was miraculously cured or that everything would be plain sailing from here on out. He knew this was just the beginning, but feeling the Konoha symbol of Kakashi's silver key ring, he couldn't help but feel like he'd accomplished a great feat.

On entering his car he checked his phone for the first time that day. A text from the teacher, who was covering him today, saying he owed her one, reminded him that he still had a job. It also reminded him that he had a stack of marking and a week's worth of lesson planning he still needed to do. Cursing his procrastination, he decided to swing by his house before picking up lunch.

In his modest apartment, he gathered his school work before a question struck him.

_'What if he asks me spend the night again?'_

He was annoyed by the involuntary blush that arose from the thought. He knew it was because of the eyeful of Kakashi he'd received that morning and the memory only served to deepen the heat in his cheeks. He remembered the pale dimples that marked the beginning of those muscular globes...

_'This has to stop.'_ Iruka ran a hand down his heated face, letting out an exasperated breath. '_This is Kakashi I'm thinking about! Kakashi...as in my sensei, my teacher, practically my big brother, practically my guardian!' _Even as he thought these words, there was no conviction in them. Though he'd never thought of the older male in such an intimate way, he'd be lying if he said his feelings for the other never crossed the line of mere teacher and student. The respect and adoration he had when he was a boy inevitably led to his first crush as a teen; not that he'd ever tell his emotionally-stunted sensei that. _'Not that I'd ever tell the man I'm trying to help out of alcoholism either.' _

Iruka shuffled his paperwork, trying to get his mind on a cleaner path. There had to be something fundamentally wrong with his moral compass for him to be having such perversions over someone who he'd seen throw up more times than he'd seen him smile. _'Maybe when he's better...'_

Deciding to air on the side of caution, he packed an overnight bag and headed for Ichiraku's. He reminisced about all the times Kakashi had taken him to the ramen stand when he'd managed to land a hit during a sparring session or impressed his sensei in anyway.

...

It was only the chill of the now-cold bathwater that roused Kakashi from his nap. That much needed siesta and the aspirin had done their job. He wasn't exactly feeling sprightly but he was well; no headache, no joint-ache, no stomach-ache. Lethargy was still an issue but he doubted Iruka would want to partake in any vigorous activity. They'd probably just sit, eat and talk for a bit.

Kakashi bolted upright; he had to sort out the kitchen and living room ASAP. There was no way he'd let Iruka see the rooms in their current state. Climbing out the bath, he went to reach for a towel when he caught sight of the almost-empty vodka bottle in the shower cubicle. _'You passed out in a freezing cold shower after downing a bottle of vodka, Kakashi! Don't you dare tell me there's nothing wrong!'_

He frowned at the memory; Iruka was always one blow things out of proportion.

Wrapping a black towel around his waist, he'd barely left the bathroom when he heard the jingle of keys at the door.

...

Iruka dropped his jaw and almost dropped his bags at the sight that welcomed him when he opened Kakashi's front door. There, in all his half-naked glory stood a demigod. His silver hair was darkened with moisture, gravity finally taking its toll on it, sweeping it back past his neck. The teacher's eyes roamed down the glistening chest, taking in the tight pectorals and erect pink nipples that sat upon them. His tanned cheeks reddened as he took in the definition of the abs, gulping as his eyes followed a bead of water as it descended to Kakashi's silver happy trail before it disappeared underneath that damn towel.

"-et for lunch?" The brunette snapped out of his reverie, snapping his gaze away from the towel to Kakashi eye, above which a grey eyebrow was arched.

"Wh-what?" He croaked, still slightly dazed.

Kakashi chuckled, amusement evident in his voice as he repeated himself. "I said what did you get for lunch."

Iruka momentarily forgot his embarrassment as he remembered the lunch he was hoping to surprise his sensei with. He smiled and held up the bags so Kakashi could see the logo. His smile grew to a full-blown grin as he watched the single eye widen at the realisation.

"Ichiraku's?!"

"Yep!" He chuckled as a he saw the nostalgia in Kakashi's eye. "C-come on, get...dressed. I'm starving. I'm going to plate this up."

"Wait."

...

Kakashi had perfected countless techniques in resistance and restraint, but as he saw Iruka face slowly redden to an almost-magenta shade, he couldn't suppress the smirk that crawled upon his lips. Seeing the young man look so flustered, as his brown eyes so clearly raked over his wet body, he couldn't help but feel a tingle of sadistic glee at knowing he was turning the normally sweet, composed teacher into mush before his very eyes. He felt a rogue droplet of water form from the moisture on his chest and glide its way down his abdomen, watching as Iruka gulped, seemingly following the droplet as it headed south, before disappearing under his towel.

Kakashi knew his looks were striking, this reaction not being an uncommon one, but as the tanned man's gaze lingered on the periphery of the towel, he began to feel a stirring in the pit of his stomach. The smirk he'd been wearing began to ebb away as he realised that he was heating up under that intense gaze. He could practically see the lusty aura emanating from Iruka; he was filling the corridor with it, enveloping Kakashi in it. If this carried on, he really would give the teacher something to look at in the towel-region that his eyes were still glued to.

"S-so...what did you get for lunch?" He was annoyed that his stutter evidenced how affected he was by the situation, but relieved that the tanned man, in his own daze didn't seem to realise. Asking again, he managed to sound unperturbed this time, but the clogs in his head were whirring, halting only when he saw the bags being held up for his inspection.

"Ichiraku's?!" '_That place is still open?' _Kakashi mind immediately backtracked to the day before he left for the Army. He'd taken the fourteen-year old ramen addict for a meal only one of them knew would be their last. '_The last for nine years at least...'_

He broke out of his memories hearing Iruka stutter before he was reminded of his state of undress. Before he could make a move to rectify it, he saw Iruka turn to head to the kitchen.

"Wait." He still hadn't managed to clean it, or his living room for that matter. He contemplated just letting the man go when he realised the only alternatives were his bathroom and bedroom, but Iruka already thought he had a 'problem'. There was no need to add fuel to those flames. "Just...wait there. We can eat in my room."

...

Iruka watched, dumbfounded as Kakashi disappeared in his room and closed the door behind him. _'Eat in his room?!' _ The tanned man let himself slump against the front door, his overnight bag falling off his shoulder and the Ichiraku's bag placed carefully on the hallway table beside him. He was confused by the odd choice of venue, but as long as Kakashi was no longer in the hallway, it was a good thing.

Though, his semi-hardness would disagree...

_'Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuucckkk,' _was the only coherent thought he could muster, banging his head against the door as he tried to calm himself down.

...

Kakashi slumped back against his bedroom door as soon as he closed it. '_Fuck.'_

Iruka had the look of a cannibal who was suddenly starving and he felt glad that he was no longer on the menu. Though, a small part of him thought it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he was...

* * *

A/N

So things are getting heated between our guys ;)

I coulda carried on, but the next portion gets kinda intense n a little angsty so this felt like a good place to stop.


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